Sometimes truisms are the only things that come to my mind, and especially today when I went through all the adoption papers with the kids.
They grow up so fast.
There they were in the pictures, my little ones, just babies, with a whole lot of baggage in their lives already when we got the first glimpse of them at a stereotypical office somewhere north of Copenhagen.
And now in the blink of an eye they’re ten and nine with a big brother who is thirteen, and I am mother to three children who all have inner lives of their own and are their own persons with own agendas.
”To the most great parent’s I’ve ever met”, she wrote. That other mother, far, far away, that I can never stop thinking about.
That sentence makes me so happy – to know that my little ones’ birth mother was happy with her decision to give her children to us.
I struggle sometimes to feel just as great as she hoped I would be, even though I know rationally that nobody is perfect. A good enough mother is what most children need.
While I was mother to just one little being who happened to be a perfect match for me in every way it was so easy to be the perfect mother. It all came naturally to me, to love that little boy who was a second part of my soul.
It has been much harder to be the best mother I can be when I suddenly was mother not only of two, but of three, all of them under the age of four. To juggle three little persons who all have their own difficulties in life, and who all have depended mostly on me for everything – that has been the greatest challenge I have ever met. I don’t think I will ever face anything as hard, but fortunately – I am just the right person for these kinds of struggles. I never accept defeat easily, and when the kids were small and we could see that this wouldn’t be as easy as we had hoped for (in spite of knowing all the research in the area. I am a psychologist after all) I started to look for help wherever we could get it.
It has definitely paid off! We now have three children who are as well adjusted that you could expect under the circumstances. We are not through the woods yet, but we can sometimes see the horizon between the trees far, far away. We have kids who can talk about problems and difficulties. Who are starting to understand what to do when people are arguing. Who are building a tool box with problem solving tools that they are going to benefit from during their whole lives.
Who were happy to read the letter from the birth mother, and try and understand her plight.
It can not have been easy for her to write those words for us, but I am so grateful to her that she did!
With lots of love to you H, if you ever read this <3 <3 <3,
Ninette
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