If there is one tool I would wish every parent has in their tool-box, it’s the Enneagram.
I’m always searching for tools that can facilitate communication and through a lot of research (including becoming a psychologist myself), I finally stumbled upon the Enneagram. The Ennagram is a symbol for the fears and defensive mechanism that all people have. In short, it’s a roadmap to what would make you unhinged. What are your hang-ups. Which is your brand of crazy! And it also offers a way out – the way of growth.
Finding this tool has made such a huge impact on our family. It took a while to find the right resources, because there is so much bad stuff written on the Internet about just about anything, and especially about this too. I especially like Beatrice Chestnut’s material. She is a psychotherapist, so she speaks the language of a scientist and can help others use the Enneagram in a meaningful way, not just as a parlor game trick or something. (here’s her article on Object Relations and The Enneagram)
Beatrice Chestnut’s book is called The Complete Ennegram. There are also panel discussions with her that are super-useful, and now she even has her own podcast on Spotify, along with her partner Uranio Paes.
This has by far been the most helpful tool for our family. We have each found our numbers (2, 6, 7 and 8) and subtypes (mostly sx) and that has given us the roadmap for why there are tensions in the family and what to do about them. We are all growing so much thanks to that, because now instead of guesswork we have a map to use.
Our defensive mechanisms are seemingly there from birth, and the traumas in our lives only sharpen them and make them stronger (which is their purpose – they are meant to defend our egos). And if you walk too long on an unhealthy path it can be difficult to find your way back to a healthier place. That’s where the Enneagram comes in. It can shave off years of therapy if you’re lucky, so that you know the exact area where you need to focus your attention.
It took me about a year to find my own number (I don’t think there is a good test for this – the best way to learn is through studying it or through an expert), and when I did it was really painful! It can sometimes take a lot of courage to look yourself in the eye and see yourself for who you really are, but when you do you can also grow. Not everyone wants to do the work of growing, but for those who do – this is a really handy shortcut. Cultivated probably for millenniums, because humans have always had a yearning to understand themselves and others. Learning what emotions and defensive mechanisms drive each of us can lead to so much more peace in the world, starting with your own little family.