Things I’m afraid to tell you

This post was definitely inspired by Aunt Peaches, and Peaches’ terrific blog post about things she’s afraid to talk about on her blog. I admire her so much, but I can’t say I’m surprised that she would write such things – not the things in themselves, because I had no idea, but that she dares to show the world the things she is most afraid to show. She is such an inspiring person! I just love her mix of colours, patterns, DIY and deep feeling things that together make the world a little bit of a better place.

I saw  some of the posts a few years ago, but back then I hadn’t the time or energy to write anything in English, or to even think about what it was I was afraid to tell you. But now after reading Peaches’ text I really got the urge to also write a similar blog post! My first thought was that I don’t have things that I’m afraid to tell, or if I did I have already told them here on this blog, but most of them were written in Swedish so here comes a few of my ”Things I was afraid to say”. After I said them on my blog, it felt much better!

It can be so cathartic to just say what you’re afraid of. Everyone is afraid of something – we’re all human, and when we show our vulnerable side we connect with others on a whole new level.

Things I’m afraid to say (or used to):

  1. I almost died while giving birth, and it has had a huge effect on my life

It was this close. My husband stood there with our newborn child and thought to himself ”Is it just the two of us now?”. I had three operations, but I will probably never be completely healed. I have scars on the inside of my body and they make my abdomen and pelvis muscles contract involuntarily. I need massage and muscle relaxants almost every day to be able to walk. At its worst the muscles in my thighs and lower back are so tense that I can’t walk properly without leaning on someone.

I sometimes hate my body because of this.

  1. I have terrible rashes sometimes and don’t like to show myself to people while I have a flare up.

I’m finally starting to realize why I have them, and maybe with time I will be able to prevent them, but when I get a flare up I usually avoid people because I don’t like their reactions. Some people react like I’m contagious (it’s not), some people talk about how pretty I am in spite of my rashes (which sometimes annoys me – they don’t say that to everyone with rashes), some people say ”ouch, that must hurt”. I don’t know what reaction I would be most comfortable with – it also feels odd if someone doesn’t comment on my looks when I have the rashes, because when my whole face is affected I can’t almost think about anything else than the itching and burning. So I avoid people and wear sun glasses when I have the rashes.

  1. I am not used to seeing myself in pictures, and have difficulties accepting how I look.

In my own thoughts I look differently. Not as pretty, not as tired and worn. Not as old, not as young. Just me. Then I sometimes look in the mirror (not all days – sometimes I go days without looking in the mirror) and some stranger is looking back at me. She doesn’t look like I feel. She sometimes has prettier eyes, sometimes little pig eyes. Sometimes she looks like a monster, sometimes she looks younger and prettier than I feel. Most of the time she looks much more feminine than I feel, and most of the time I don’t like it. I have never liked looking feminine! When I was little I wanted to be a boy because boys got to do things that girls didn’t get to do, like standing up for others or having a big personality or just being strong individuals. Girls were meant to be shy and quiet and not take up place, and I didn’t like it. I look feminine, but I don’t feel like it.

All this is why I last year did a selfie-project. I took selfies everyday for a whole year and tried to get used to seeing myself in the pictures.

It was definitely worth it!

I found out that I had more hang-ups about my looks than I thought, and it was really helpful to just keep on taking pictures when I got that feeling that by now people must be so tired of seeing my selfies in their Instagramstream.

 

These were all things I’ve already told about. I also wrote a text about things I haven’t previously told about on the blog, but it’s in Swedish and now my paint cans are calling me,  so it will have to stay in Swedish for the moment! Have a nice Friday everyone!

 

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